Codependency and coaddiction have been defined by numerous authors and are often used as interchangeable terms. Typically the definition revolves around the idea that a codependent individual is addicted to a person entangled in an addiction(s). As a result, the person plays a role in the context of the other person's addiction(s). From this idea evolves the concept that individuals can become addicted to "people, processes, and/or substances." Anything that can have a mood altering effect on the person can develop into an addictive process.

For example, the partner of a sex addict may sense something is out of step with their partner's behavior. For some individuals they may ignore the signs or cues that something is out of character. This is called 'enabling,' the person's behavior protects and/or rescues their partner from the consequences of addictive behavior. In essence this person becomes numb to the addiction and often later reports that they violated their own integrity in the context of their partner's addiction. The payoff is that this individual is not challenged around their ability to be emotionally and physcially intimate in the relationship.

For others, the partner may attempt to question the addictive behavior of their partner. If the answers don't add up, the individual may go on a mission to "find the truth" by acting as a detective. In this role they violate their own integrity and the trust of thier partner by looking through their belongings, following them, or even using software programs to track their partner's Internet activity. This intrusive behavior can take many forms and become an addictive process. In both cases, there is a mood altering experience that creates unmanageability for the person referred to as a coaddict.

In addition, when sexual addiction is discovered and/or disclosed, then coaddiction adds an additional layer of trauma in response to sexual betrayal in the relationship. There is a persistent re-experiencing of the partner's betrayal that results in intrusive thoughts, images and even physiological reactions to "triggers" that remind the partner of the betrayal. These images of betrayal take on a life of their own, similar to the way an addiction takes on a life of its own. There is often increased arousal and hypervigilance to cues in the environment that result in fear, rage, and loss of trust in self and others. The fear that results from the trauma of sexual betrayal actually changes brain neurochemistry.

While many partners report prior "codependent" behavior, such as excessive caretaking, enabling, or internalizing feelings so as not to upset or anger a spouse or other family member, not all coaddicts experience themselves as having displayed codependent behavior prior to the discovery of sexual addiction in their relationship.

Partners typically experience significant despair, hopelessness, and distress in the form of anger and/or feelings of rage, mistrust and excessive fear related to their partner's betrayal. The intrusive thoughts and obsessive nature of their reaction to sexual addiction and betrayal in the relationship becomes all consuming. One of the overriding themes is, "Should I stay in this relationship and how can I ever trust my partner again?".

Sexual addiction and coaddiction are complex issues in the life of a committed relationship. ReLife offers individual, couple and experiential methods of therapy for the person and coupleship experiencing sexual addiction and coaddiction. These therapeutic methods offer hope and healing from the images of sexual betrayal, and an opportunity for each partner to regain a healthy sense of sexuality.

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Last modified: July 09, 2008